The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
