My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
