And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
