I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
