I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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