Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We left an ass print on the piano.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My vagina is officially offended.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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