what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
