Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
All the doctor said was why
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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