My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
