dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
