I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
they're like a gay fantastic four
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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