Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
