can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
