Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If I die, sorry about rent.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize