Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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