got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
