Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
