My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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