So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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