He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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