guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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