I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
