Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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