I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
