so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
