my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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