How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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