you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
