If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
