someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize