First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
