it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
