I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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