At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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