Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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