Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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