i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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