I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
