Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
