Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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