Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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