i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
3pm strippers are depressing
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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