wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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