I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
