im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize