I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
