what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
