Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize