My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
