Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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