is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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