i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
