her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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