if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
