Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
