like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
