how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize