Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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