genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
