i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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